Nearly 90% of the couples that I work with state that poor communication is the most challenging relationship issue they grapple with. We usually think that we have understood what was said to us or that we are being clear when we are discussing an important issue. We then get completely surprised by the response that we may get from our partner.
Communication is about the exchange of information (including feelings) through both verbal and non-verbal messages. Non-verbal messages include tone of voice, facial expression, gestures and body language. We filter what we hear through the lens of our history, experiences and even how we may be feeling at that particular moment. Context and our cultural perspective also shift the meaning of what we hear.
When we respond to what we think our partner has said we may be responding to something completely different than what was intended. We can then find ourselves falling into a negative cycle with statements and responses going round and round and leading to a disconnection of some sort. One or both partners is left feeling confused, frustrated, angry or just plain sad that they cannot get in sync with the person that they love the most.
The use of clarification is one way that we can be assured that we actually understand our partner. Either asking non-judgmental questions or repeating back a summary of what you heard will reassure your partner that you are listening and genuinely want to understand what they are saying. Any misunderstandings or confusions can be cleared up at this time, before you get started down a track that may lead to an argument. Clarification is the job of both the person listening as well as the speaker. Often a speaker will assume that they are being clear. Taking the time to check in to be sure that you are being understood will go a long way in helping to be effective in your communications.
So often we are unsure of exactly what was said to us but are either too embarrassed to show that we haven't heard or we assume that we can wing it and still have a solid conversation. All of a sudden we may see a flash of frustration or anger from our partner and we are genuinely perplexed as to how this happened. If we do not clarify what was said at this time we are muddying the content of the communication and a full-blown argument might erupt that leaves both partners feeling misunderstood and even hopeless.
Tips to effective communication:
- Begin by being clear about the purpose of what you are trying to say
- Make sure that there are no inconsistencies in the facts
- Be sure that what you are saying is clear and unambiguous
- Check for misunderstandings that may occur
- Ask questions to be sure that what you intended is exactly what was heard
- Correct any misunderstandings in a gentle, non-judgmental way
- Ask clarifying questions to get to the meaning of what was said
- Show respect for the other person and interest in what they say
- Be patient in trying to help each other understand, frustration is often the cause of a negative cycle getting triggered
Couples report more happiness and feelings of security and safety when they learn now to effectively communicate. When we help each other understand what is being said, we come together to enjoy conversations that strengthen the bonds between us. Clarification is one of the most important communication skills you can bring into your relationship.
If you're having a difficult time communicating effectively in your relationship or you need help to rebuild the connection between you and your partner, please contact me for a FREE phone consultation. We can then decide how I may be able to help you as a marriage therapist.
If you are experiencing emotional pain in your relationship, please don't let another minute go by.
Contact me right now to get started on your journey to a loving, respectful, enjoyable relationship! Call , or email Catherine@catherine-morris.com.
Office located in downtown Menlo Park, California. Serving clients in Palo Alto, Stanford, Atherton, Woodside, Redwood City, Mountain View and Los Altos.
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