Numerous questions were sent to me after I published the first
part of this article, Lasting Marriage: How to Overcome the Past, Part
I, and I'd like to briefly answer a few of the most frequent ones before
we move on to Part II.
The most common one involved stories that would break anyone's heart, and involved things like sexual abuse, rape, affairs or humiliation.
How Can I Possibly Overcome These Hurts?
And the question was "how can I possibly overcome this part of my past in order to have a happy marriage?"
If this describes your past (with your spouse or with others before him or her) I have all the compassion in the world for you.
The Answer Is, Yes, It is Possible
It may seem to you that you could never overcome the past and be happy in your marriage. I understand that, but I can tell you something else.
Many people - millions in fact - have indeed overcome the past and gone on to have happy marriages and happy lives, no matter how bad their suffering has been.
You Must Find a Way to "Move Forward"
In Part I, I wrote that the test of long-term success in marriage is how you make your way to the other side of disappointments. Because disappointments, disagreements and even betrayals there will be. It's an unavoidable fact of life that when you live with someone in close quarters for an extended period of time, you'll run into differences.
If you don't find a way to move forward after these unavoidable conflicts or disagreements, you'll surely sink down into a state of grudges, bad feelings, holding on to the past and gradually become so disillusioned and full of pain about the marriage that you'll have no choice but to get sick, go away or get divorced.
It's Not Your Fault - At First
In Part I of this article I pointed out that no one teaches you how to deal with the "rocky" parts of marriage. Most people I've interviewed have very poor models of what you can do in the face of disagreements or conflict.
Most people feel you either need to compromise (they mean "give up" your views and yourself), dramatically lower your expectations of marriage (most people feel it's a losing proposition over the long term), or do the opposite, which is to fight your way through the conflicts.
So... The Question is, How to Overcome the Past
If you are to survive and thrive as a couple you must figure out this challenge. Past experiences can haunt you to the extent that you feel you cannot go on with your spouse another moment.
Let me give you some very specific tips. I'll repeat the first part and then go on.
First, you have to make a list with three columns. The first column needs to be things that you are sure you can let go of. Then you simply let go of them. You just say "NO MORE, GO AWAY!"
In the second column, you list things that "maybe" you would be willing to let go of. Then you simply let go of them. You just say "NO MORE, GO AWAY!" That's right, it's the same as the first column.
Now we get to the third column, things that up to this point you've not been willing to let go of. This one is more tricky, because they are deep hurts.
Do NOT start by trying to talk these through with your partner. That will fail, I guarantee it.
Now, these are things that in order to let go of, you're going to have to ask for some really deep help. I suggest you ask God to help you let go of them. Otherwise, you need to find a therapist or other very skilled person.
Take that list to God or a therapist and state specifically "I need to let go of these things, and I need for you to show me how to do that, very specifically and step by step."
Once you begin on that path, you'll find that things begin to change inside of you and you'll begin to see those things in the third column differently. Once you've really worked this out inside of yourself, then you can begin to tell your partner in a kind and loving way what you've been doing.
And the best part of your marriage may begin right after that.
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The most common one involved stories that would break anyone's heart, and involved things like sexual abuse, rape, affairs or humiliation.
How Can I Possibly Overcome These Hurts?
And the question was "how can I possibly overcome this part of my past in order to have a happy marriage?"
If this describes your past (with your spouse or with others before him or her) I have all the compassion in the world for you.
The Answer Is, Yes, It is Possible
It may seem to you that you could never overcome the past and be happy in your marriage. I understand that, but I can tell you something else.
Many people - millions in fact - have indeed overcome the past and gone on to have happy marriages and happy lives, no matter how bad their suffering has been.
You Must Find a Way to "Move Forward"
In Part I, I wrote that the test of long-term success in marriage is how you make your way to the other side of disappointments. Because disappointments, disagreements and even betrayals there will be. It's an unavoidable fact of life that when you live with someone in close quarters for an extended period of time, you'll run into differences.
If you don't find a way to move forward after these unavoidable conflicts or disagreements, you'll surely sink down into a state of grudges, bad feelings, holding on to the past and gradually become so disillusioned and full of pain about the marriage that you'll have no choice but to get sick, go away or get divorced.
It's Not Your Fault - At First
In Part I of this article I pointed out that no one teaches you how to deal with the "rocky" parts of marriage. Most people I've interviewed have very poor models of what you can do in the face of disagreements or conflict.
Most people feel you either need to compromise (they mean "give up" your views and yourself), dramatically lower your expectations of marriage (most people feel it's a losing proposition over the long term), or do the opposite, which is to fight your way through the conflicts.
So... The Question is, How to Overcome the Past
If you are to survive and thrive as a couple you must figure out this challenge. Past experiences can haunt you to the extent that you feel you cannot go on with your spouse another moment.
Let me give you some very specific tips. I'll repeat the first part and then go on.
First, you have to make a list with three columns. The first column needs to be things that you are sure you can let go of. Then you simply let go of them. You just say "NO MORE, GO AWAY!"
In the second column, you list things that "maybe" you would be willing to let go of. Then you simply let go of them. You just say "NO MORE, GO AWAY!" That's right, it's the same as the first column.
Now we get to the third column, things that up to this point you've not been willing to let go of. This one is more tricky, because they are deep hurts.
Do NOT start by trying to talk these through with your partner. That will fail, I guarantee it.
Now, these are things that in order to let go of, you're going to have to ask for some really deep help. I suggest you ask God to help you let go of them. Otherwise, you need to find a therapist or other very skilled person.
Take that list to God or a therapist and state specifically "I need to let go of these things, and I need for you to show me how to do that, very specifically and step by step."
Once you begin on that path, you'll find that things begin to change inside of you and you'll begin to see those things in the third column differently. Once you've really worked this out inside of yourself, then you can begin to tell your partner in a kind and loving way what you've been doing.
And the best part of your marriage may begin right after that.
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