Are you often at cross purpose with those you love? Do you feel frustrated because no one seems to hear you? When a couple enters counseling feeling this way, I generally find that they are using non-productive techniques to communicate with each other. While they care about each other, they feel misunderstood, frustrated or unloved. When having a disagreement, they often have lost sight of the issue at hand, fall into a win/lose pattern and bicker just to "win" an argument. One of my key objectives in couple's counseling is to teach clients to "hear" each other. In order to do this, I coach them on new ways to communicate. It is only when they can understand what each other is saying that they can compromise and get what they want.
Whether you are in a romantic relationship or single, this month I will present 5 tips that will help you communicate better. These ideas are universal. While they are especially helpful in an intimate relationship, because love creates greater intensity, they are useful with your friends, coworkers and everyone else.
Do speak up if something is important to you. People are not mind readers. When you hint or make vague requests, people usually do not have a clue what you are asking. You need to be precise. Let others know specifically what you want rather than expect people to anticipate your needs or do things that you desire but have not requested. When you feel timid about making a request, ask yourself, "What do I have to lose"? It is true that they might say no and you will not get what you want but the irony is that if you do not speak up, chances are greater that you will not attain your desire.
Strike when the iron is cold. If your goal is to make changes then the best time to discuss a controversy is when you are both calm. The least productive time to speak up is when you are feeling angry or intense. If you find your feelings escalate during a discussion, it is perfectly acceptable to ask for a "time out" to sort out your thoughts and feelings. Seeking temporary distance is not the same as a cold withdrawal because you intend to come back and resolve the issue. After numerous heated fights that went into the evening, my husband and I learned to declare a truce at bedtime. Although the situation would still be unresolved and tense, we would give each other a kiss and agree to talk about it the next day. Not only did it help us get a good night's sleep, the space helped us address the problem more rationally.
Take time to think about the problem and clarify your position before you speak. Some questions to ponder: "What is the real issue?"Sometimes it is not the situation at hand that is disturbing but rather it is a re-enactment of a childhood issue. What do I want? Often times we have been taught to minimize or dismiss our desires. When you are honest with yourself about what it is you want, you will have a better chance of asking for it. What will it cost me? I used to be very impulsive and my compassionate heart had me saying yes before I had weighed the consequences. As a result, I was often overextended, burnt out and resentful. Now I try to take some time and say, "Let me think about it and get back to you". This helps me to determine if the request is realistic and feasible.
Avoid below the belt tactics. When you feel as if you are losing ground, it is easy to go on the defensive and attack. Such verbal tactics include blaming, name calling, ridiculing and lecturing. When arguing, stick to the issue and speak to the person with dignity and respect. Just as you are entitled to your own thoughts and feelings so is your challenger.
Speak in "I" language rather than pointing a finger or using intellectual arguments to validate your stance. Learn to say "I think... I feel... I want... I fear... " A true "I" statement says something about your stance or opinion without criticizing, minimizing or blaming the other person. A note of caution: watch out for disguised "you' statement, for example, "I think" that you are self-centered; this is really subtle name calling that says "you are self-centered".
It is important to be honest with yourself and communicate properly in order to get what you want. While it is easy to defer to another or be sympathetic when you are on the same page, the challenge begins when you do not see eye to eye. After a few attempts at enlightenment, rather than brow beat another to accept your position, acknowledge the impasse and change the subject. Our loved ones are entitled to have different political opinions or favored sports teams. Unless the issue is a deal breaker, learn to live with the incongruity.
February is the month of "love". Make the decision to communicate better with someone you love, whether it is your partner, child or friend. Implement one of the five tips and give the gift of better communication to someone who you care about. Do you hear me?
My website, http://www.TryaNewPerspective.com, is a combination of Clinical knowledge and Spirituality. Learn strategies to deal with adversity by using affirmations, visualizations and humor to develop inner strength and balance in your Mind, Body and Spirit. Since "one's words and thoughts become one's reality", allow me to teach you simple ways to re-frame your thoughts into a positive thinking pattern, in order to decrease stress and enjoy life more fully.
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