I have heard this refrain from many of the couples that sit on the couch in my office. The process of therapy is uncomfortable for them, and they just want to know how many more "miles" they have to go before they get there. But what is "there?" What does a healthy, happy relationship look like? I often use the metaphor of a road trip. If you have not discussed your destination, one of you will pack scuba gear and the other a parka. Relationships need destinations as well. What is the destination, what do you want your relationship to look like?
As relational beings, we all have a fundamental need to belong, to feel secure, and to feel protected from fear. Relationship is the bond that provides us with feelings of emotional protection and safety. Most of us have a natural inclination to make and maintain lasting attachments when we are in relationship. And once established, our sense of security and stability within our relationship is closely linked to our emotional health and well-being.
A healthy relationship offers a nice balance between security, sexuality and supportiveness. When we feel secure in a relationship, we experience a sense of deep relief and a feeling of well-being because we know we are loved just for being who we are. This feeling of security enables us to manage the bumps that we will inevitably encounter in our lives together.
When we feel secure in a relationship, we feel safe enough to:
- Give and receive love
- Reach for our partner when we feel frightened or insecure
- Count on our partner to support our forays out into the world
- Take risks and feel confident about facing the challenges of daily life
- Tell our partner that we miss them when they are not near
Take stock of your relationship: How secure do you feel? Is your partner a safe harbor for you when you feel frightened? Can you be yourself at all times? Does your partner try to change you, judge you, or criticize you?
If you would like to create a deeper bond with your partner, please try the following:
8 Tips to Create a More Secure Relationship
- Know your own deepest needs and fears
- Assist your partner to meet your needs - and theirs - in a loving way
- Engage in a joint exploration of the difficult and painful events in life
- Be curious or inquisitive about what your partner is thinking and feeling
- Create wonderful rituals of engagement where you enjoy each other's company
- Rely on your partner when the occasion warrants
- Trust your partner will support you, rather than try to change you or judge you
- Pick up on your partner's non-verbal cues to understand what they are feeling.
Imagine a world in which we reached out whenever we needed help or support because we could trust that someone would be there for us. Strong, connected relationships are important not only for our own well-being, but also for the health of our children and the society in which we live.
As we develop the ability to care for ourselves and our partners, we can then reach out further to heal pieces of the community in which we live and the world at large. When we feel secure and confident in our relationships we cultivate the strength and desire to care for others and help them build a secure environment in which they, too, can thrive.
If you would like help to create a more secure relationship, please contact me for a FREE phone consultation. We can then decide how I may be able to help you as a marriage therapist. I can be reached at: or via email at catherine@catherine-morris.com.
Office located in downtown Menlo Park, California. Serving clients in Palo Alto, Stanford, Atherton, Woodside, Redwood City, Mountain View and Los Altos.
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