Wouldn't you like to know the secrets for how to make your
marriage last through thick and thin, through sickness and health, for
richer and for poorer, until death do you part?
After all, that - or something like it - is the vow you took at your wedding ceremony. Trouble is that very few people know how to make that work and be happy in their marriage over the long term.
And the biggest challenge that every single couple runs into is that life is full of bumps. Misunderstandings, downright disagreements, painful moments and even affairs or betrayals are actually the everyday stuff of virtually every single marriage that ever existed.
If you know a married couple who got through life without painful experiences - and thus a painful past - please let me know. I don't know any, and I've spent time with hundreds or even thousands of couples from all walks of life, from all socio-economic classes, races, creeds and religious preferences.
It's Not Your Fault
Most marriages begin to fall apart the moment there are significant challenges or disagreements. If this describes your situation though, don't despair. It's not your fault if you don't know what to do when bad goes to worse, because no one taught you how to handle these difficulties.
You don't learn how to maintain and enjoy long-term intimate relationships in school. You probably didn't learn it from your parents, from other adults you've met or from your aunts and uncles. The reason is that they probably didn't know either.
And more than likely they were suffering either noisily or quietly in their marriages, wondering if they would ever feel any better.
The Big Secret to Happy Marriage
The big secret about happy long-term marriages is not what most people think it is. It's not finding some secret way to stay happy all the time. It's not amazing sex - which literally cannot stay amazing forever. Unfortunately it's not even having a deep spiritual or religious life, since research has shown that even the most orthodox Christians, Jews, Muslims and others have just as high an occurrence of unhappiness in marriage as the most secular couple.
No, the secret is this: managing disappointment in a very specific way.
Now you might be surprised by that answer. Managing disappointment? Does this just mean all we can expect is disappointment in marriage?
Not at all, but I guarantee that you will experience disappointments. No guy can ride in on a white horse every day and be his wife's hero for 40 years. No woman can be absolutely sexy and ravishing 24 hours a day for decades.
You Are Human Beings
No one can stay 100% loyal and unswerving in their dedication to their partner every single day of a long marriage. There will be disloyalties, frustrations, disagreements and pain of one kind or another.
I do hope you will be spared the ultimate betrayal of extramarital affairs, though. It's one of the most devastating things possible in a marriage, and if you're considering having an affair and hope to keep your marriage, I advise you very strongly not to do it. Extremely few marriages happily survive affairs.
But these are of course not the only betrayals or painful experiences that happen in marriage. There can be emotional affairs, loss of money through poor decision-making (actually the leading cause of divorce), bitter disagreements over parenting, alienation from one's parents or siblings which you feel are caused by your partner's behavior, rudeness or harshness or being taken advantage of in many ways.
So... The Question is, How to Overcome the Past
If you are to survive and thrive as a couple you must figure out this challenge. Past experiences can haunt you to the extent that you feel you cannot go on with your spouse another moment.
Here are a few initial tips for how to achieve this task.
First, you have to make a list with three columns. The first column needs to be things that you are sure you can let go of. Then you simply let go of them. You just say "NO MORE, GO AWAY!"
In part II of this article I'll tell you how to deal with the items on the second and third (the most difficult column) of the list of challenges.
After all, that - or something like it - is the vow you took at your wedding ceremony. Trouble is that very few people know how to make that work and be happy in their marriage over the long term.
And the biggest challenge that every single couple runs into is that life is full of bumps. Misunderstandings, downright disagreements, painful moments and even affairs or betrayals are actually the everyday stuff of virtually every single marriage that ever existed.
If you know a married couple who got through life without painful experiences - and thus a painful past - please let me know. I don't know any, and I've spent time with hundreds or even thousands of couples from all walks of life, from all socio-economic classes, races, creeds and religious preferences.
It's Not Your Fault
Most marriages begin to fall apart the moment there are significant challenges or disagreements. If this describes your situation though, don't despair. It's not your fault if you don't know what to do when bad goes to worse, because no one taught you how to handle these difficulties.
You don't learn how to maintain and enjoy long-term intimate relationships in school. You probably didn't learn it from your parents, from other adults you've met or from your aunts and uncles. The reason is that they probably didn't know either.
And more than likely they were suffering either noisily or quietly in their marriages, wondering if they would ever feel any better.
The Big Secret to Happy Marriage
The big secret about happy long-term marriages is not what most people think it is. It's not finding some secret way to stay happy all the time. It's not amazing sex - which literally cannot stay amazing forever. Unfortunately it's not even having a deep spiritual or religious life, since research has shown that even the most orthodox Christians, Jews, Muslims and others have just as high an occurrence of unhappiness in marriage as the most secular couple.
No, the secret is this: managing disappointment in a very specific way.
Now you might be surprised by that answer. Managing disappointment? Does this just mean all we can expect is disappointment in marriage?
Not at all, but I guarantee that you will experience disappointments. No guy can ride in on a white horse every day and be his wife's hero for 40 years. No woman can be absolutely sexy and ravishing 24 hours a day for decades.
You Are Human Beings
No one can stay 100% loyal and unswerving in their dedication to their partner every single day of a long marriage. There will be disloyalties, frustrations, disagreements and pain of one kind or another.
I do hope you will be spared the ultimate betrayal of extramarital affairs, though. It's one of the most devastating things possible in a marriage, and if you're considering having an affair and hope to keep your marriage, I advise you very strongly not to do it. Extremely few marriages happily survive affairs.
But these are of course not the only betrayals or painful experiences that happen in marriage. There can be emotional affairs, loss of money through poor decision-making (actually the leading cause of divorce), bitter disagreements over parenting, alienation from one's parents or siblings which you feel are caused by your partner's behavior, rudeness or harshness or being taken advantage of in many ways.
So... The Question is, How to Overcome the Past
If you are to survive and thrive as a couple you must figure out this challenge. Past experiences can haunt you to the extent that you feel you cannot go on with your spouse another moment.
Here are a few initial tips for how to achieve this task.
First, you have to make a list with three columns. The first column needs to be things that you are sure you can let go of. Then you simply let go of them. You just say "NO MORE, GO AWAY!"
In part II of this article I'll tell you how to deal with the items on the second and third (the most difficult column) of the list of challenges.
If you need to know more regarding lasting marriage and how to save the marriage then visit marriage counseling program.
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